Nearing the end of October 2014
Yesterday I took MC again. Last Friday I already took once.
Today had a good time with David and Michelle. Really grateful to have them in my life. Although I don't know how long this will last and where will it lead to, just feel thankful to met them. Alot of gratitude which I don't know how to put in words. For Michelle, she is a really good girl and I hope she will find someone who can really appreciate her. I probably know that that person is unlikely to be me unless miracles happens. I won't think too much from now on since having unrealistic expectations will lead to misery and disappointment.
Somehow after so many years, I really begin to feel that I really have emotional issues. Emotions really can affect me a lot. I know I easily feel tensed when I am in an unfamiliar environment or facing something unknown to me or really at a lost. I also having problems of thinking too much worrying too much. Guess I'm really super insecure right now when I look to the future. Feel very lost right now. I feel that I am still a kid at heart. Not ready and prepared for this world.
As usual, I really feel that I can't feel much joy in my life. Too much hopes and dreams but none really came true. I feel that all along so many years, I have a big hole in my heart. Always trying to find someone to fill it but I always cannot find the right one. The temptation is always there to just feel like want tobfall in love with someone but I know i got to control myself as no matter how much I want, I'm not ready for it. Alot of my past bad experiences has really stopped me to have that courage to try again. Alot of times I really feel very tired and sick of all these. I really asked alot of times to myself why my simple wish of finding someone who is compatible with me is so hard to be fulfilled.
Now, after finishing my studies, I really feel lost. As a person who really thinks alot, many questions popped up into my head which I don't have answers to. Although people keep saying to follow your heart, your passion, your strengths and other similar advices, I really don't have an answer. My heart is really messed up. Many questions....
What am I going to be? Do I really want to be an accountant? Should I consider other sectors? Should I focus on one aspect or specialise in more than one field? Should I continue with my new current employer or leave? Where do I go to if I quit? How long will I stay before I had enough of my boss? Am I doomed to stay single? Should I stay single? Who will be my partner?(after all, after 2 decades of searching I still cannot find the one, which I am really tired of finding now. Just hope my partner will identify herself to me and appear in front of me tomorrow so I can finally end my fruitless search). What will the future lies for me? When is my last day in this world? Will I have a peaceful life? What will happen to me if I don't have my parents? Should I believe in Christ? And many more questions...
Oh man. I really hope someone out there can assure me and answer my questions. I feel very worried and insecure. No confidence. Things are getting tougher and worse as days goes by. I really want and need a strong beam or pillar that I can cling onto or hold tightly for support no matter how my circumstances changes. Please show me the way...
Happy times are always short. It always makes me feel very emotional. It's really hard for me to tidy up my feelings and return to work the next day. But at least one thing I am clear of. If today is really my last day in this world, I am glad that I have shown my gratitude and be really thankful for the people around me. I know it will feel weird for those who receive my message but I know if really something happens to me, at least I won't have so much regrets because I have really said what I truly feel. Thank you everyone for the support. There are too many people that I have to thank. Really feel that everything is just a dream.
Today had a good time with David and Michelle. Really grateful to have them in my life. Although I don't know how long this will last and where will it lead to, just feel thankful to met them. Alot of gratitude which I don't know how to put in words. For Michelle, she is a really good girl and I hope she will find someone who can really appreciate her. I probably know that that person is unlikely to be me unless miracles happens. I won't think too much from now on since having unrealistic expectations will lead to misery and disappointment.
Somehow after so many years, I really begin to feel that I really have emotional issues. Emotions really can affect me a lot. I know I easily feel tensed when I am in an unfamiliar environment or facing something unknown to me or really at a lost. I also having problems of thinking too much worrying too much. Guess I'm really super insecure right now when I look to the future. Feel very lost right now. I feel that I am still a kid at heart. Not ready and prepared for this world.
As usual, I really feel that I can't feel much joy in my life. Too much hopes and dreams but none really came true. I feel that all along so many years, I have a big hole in my heart. Always trying to find someone to fill it but I always cannot find the right one. The temptation is always there to just feel like want tobfall in love with someone but I know i got to control myself as no matter how much I want, I'm not ready for it. Alot of my past bad experiences has really stopped me to have that courage to try again. Alot of times I really feel very tired and sick of all these. I really asked alot of times to myself why my simple wish of finding someone who is compatible with me is so hard to be fulfilled.
Now, after finishing my studies, I really feel lost. As a person who really thinks alot, many questions popped up into my head which I don't have answers to. Although people keep saying to follow your heart, your passion, your strengths and other similar advices, I really don't have an answer. My heart is really messed up. Many questions....
What am I going to be? Do I really want to be an accountant? Should I consider other sectors? Should I focus on one aspect or specialise in more than one field? Should I continue with my new current employer or leave? Where do I go to if I quit? How long will I stay before I had enough of my boss? Am I doomed to stay single? Should I stay single? Who will be my partner?(after all, after 2 decades of searching I still cannot find the one, which I am really tired of finding now. Just hope my partner will identify herself to me and appear in front of me tomorrow so I can finally end my fruitless search). What will the future lies for me? When is my last day in this world? Will I have a peaceful life? What will happen to me if I don't have my parents? Should I believe in Christ? And many more questions...
Oh man. I really hope someone out there can assure me and answer my questions. I feel very worried and insecure. No confidence. Things are getting tougher and worse as days goes by. I really want and need a strong beam or pillar that I can cling onto or hold tightly for support no matter how my circumstances changes. Please show me the way...
Happy times are always short. It always makes me feel very emotional. It's really hard for me to tidy up my feelings and return to work the next day. But at least one thing I am clear of. If today is really my last day in this world, I am glad that I have shown my gratitude and be really thankful for the people around me. I know it will feel weird for those who receive my message but I know if really something happens to me, at least I won't have so much regrets because I have really said what I truly feel. Thank you everyone for the support. There are too many people that I have to thank. Really feel that everything is just a dream.
posted by chanjk at
9:00:00 pm
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