today is monday, 28 march 2010. As of now, i'm still trying to revise for my audit while i'm also surfing the net. I'm feeling moody again. Somehow i feel everything is going against me. Nothing that i do is met without obstacles. Now, the only thing i want to do is jus sleep and forget about everything. I'm having fears now. After seeing my friend's resume and cover letter, suddenly i realise that i really don't know anything much that is helpful. I really don't want to go work even though i need to. I had enough. Sometimes i jus feel damm sad, like now as i'm writing this. Seriously i don't know what to do. I don't feel like seeing anyone sometimes. I just want a simple life with no worries and unhappiness. I don't want commitments unless it is a choice that i made. Somehow, when i recall what people said to me, i'm having alot of thoughts. Somehow sometimes i feel that they are indirectly saying something that is unpleasant but in a polite way and i feel sad. Some people are nice to me, but i have this fear that i may be too close to them. I feel insecure and i need someone that i can really depend and rely on. But then, i feel such person won't exist as i try to find. No one. The more hopes i put and pin on, the more disappointment i got. Sometimes the feeling of disappointment is so great that I jus really hope someone can jus show me and help me to find one. I feel worthless and hopeless. Emotionally drained. I just want a harbour that i can park all my ships in safely without any doubts. There are alot of things i can't say or express out. I just feel somehow no one can be trusted. Sometimes i just want something badly, but i jus cannot get it, even if i give up on alot of things. I feel that nothing is fair.Why must i go through such emotional problems? I really cannot take it. I just want to layback and relax for the whole of my life. I keep trying n trying for almost a decade. I'm sick of it now. I just don't want this again but i cannot control. Now i'm trying very hard to forget about it but i can't. I really hope someday i can jus erase all my memories and thoughts. Just make me simple and don't think so much! I don't want to be too close with anyone. All are just contacts. I have no joy, just an endless list of troubles and problems to solve in future. For the past 2 days, i have not contacted anyone besides my family. I just don't feel like contacting anyone at this moment. It will just make me feel worse. Sometimes people are too nice to me that I'm very scared that I fall for them or jealous of them unknowingly. I need a break. I just feel i have alot of difficulties fitting into this world. It's been a long time since i feel so scared, panic, hopeless and fearful and no one can help me in any way. Saying is of no use at all. The last time when I feel like this is when i seriously feel like quitting school, which is when i'm 9 years old. I cry almost everyday for fear of going back school. Everyday is a nightmare. Now, i have no mood for anything but i just want to sleep everyday. I seriously don't feel like doing anything but sleep. No one can help me untie the knot in my heart that has been with me for years. No one will truly want me. No one. I have waited very long and i'm feeling the emotional pain.