Ok. Today is 13/1/10. Almost 2 weeks into the new year. Quite a few things happen which some of it, I'm trying hard to erase. Right now, my head is heavy and giddy and I have no idea why is it so. Maybe because I read too much. Just finish 1 book of 300+ pages in 1 day. My health is not good this year. I had a skin infection on my right leg and my right arm. The right arm is still not that severe but my leg is quite serious I think. Seen doctor at polyclinic, given medication to apply, but seems ineffective. Just now tried to learn a new piano piece but seems no progress at all. Extremely frustrated. It seems this year everything not going well. Somehow after reading that book, I feel that actually I didn't have much achievements. I still don't know a lot of things. Some things that I learnt, I forgot. Some things I try to learn, but failed. Till now, I still feel very lost in what I should be. Turning 23 this year but still nothing in mind. There are a lot of simple things I wished for but it won't happen. Somehow this desire is sort of making me crazy. Sometimes I'm thinking if I made the right choice in studying at this place as it seems that the piece of paper seems worthless in this country. It seems like all the things I do end up as nothing. Nothing useful or helpful. Not sure why, but I have this whole long list of regrets and hatred. It seems like till now, no one really understands me, including myself. I'm trying hard to control what I think but at the end of the day I just cannot control. Everything I do, nothing is good. There are so many people out there that are better than me. Can replace me. I feel so useless. Especially seeing my peers surpassing me. That feeling is very bad. But then I know, I still must live on, no matter how bad I feel. I don't have much friends. I don't talk much details about myself with my family. I can only rely on myself to help myself as I believe no matter how much help people give, only I can help myself. All this had been stuck into my head since young. But now, I feel like I hate this place. It seems that I have this negative aura which I cannot change. I don't feel happy. I can't remember the last time I had that feeling seriosuly and truly. Maybe I'm too greedy or whatever, but I just don't feel. There is always a lot of things holding me back, reminding me I got things to do and I cannot just forget about them. Maybe I will forget about them if I'm in a new place with no contacts. Right now as I'm typing, my head still feel the same. Heavy and a bit of giddiness. Sometimes, I feel like relying on someone but then as a guy I can't. I only can depend on myself. Looking back at the post I typed. I have describe less thinga, but more thoughts and updates. I don't complain much anymore. A lot of things is beyond my control and I feel helpless. There are some things which I've been longing for but I still don't get it. I'm becoming bit worried, paranoid and maybe sensitive. And still trying not to think more. Sometimes I feel i'm being mentally, emotionally and physically drained out because of this, and not becaues I exercise alot or think alot or whatever. It's the feeling of doing so much things and I get nothing that I wanted and still I cannot stop doing/I need to continue. I'm trying hard to find motivation and inspiration but then, don't know why, I feel that the more I try to find, I don't feel much motivated or inspired. Got this feeling that everything is just a illusion. Feel like everything is just a dream. No one will truly understand me unless they are me. So, for now, I think i stop typing. The more I type, the more I feel demoralised, unmotivated and not inspired. By right I should be doing the right stuff but then, I end up here complaining again. Think I go sleep awhile and sort out my thought and feelings. Sometimes feel like hiding and don't see anyone, but I know I cannot. Haiz...That's it for today. Maybe when I feel like blogging, I will blog again. Usually I will feel like blogging when I lie on my bed for hours and cannot get into sleep.