Today is 12 March 2010. Currently still surfing forums and looking at some articles on ACCA PER. Somehow, I feel that i having a crisis now, or maybe soon. My inability to communicate effectively. Not much joy in my life except for occasional jokes that all my friends made or watching my investment grows or my family is doing fine or I achieved what i targeted.
Speaking about aims, not sure if the aims i set for my upcoming exams will be met or not. All seems hard and inachievable currently. I think I must be crazy to set them in the first place. Now with only 3 more RT to go, hopefully i can get my wisdom tooth out, maybe go for IPT to settle the RT that I may have to go after my birthday ends, and also go taiwan or genting(again! but with another group). Passing IPPT seems really like more of a mental challenge since it has been almost 10 yrs and i cleared none, all thanks to SBJ...
Somehow, today after studying with my group of friends, I realise that I still prefer to have people around me talking rather than I hide in the library alone, cause I can listen to what they talk, all the interesting stories. So far for this year, today is the 2nd time that I stayed in the school library until 9pm, the time that the library offically closes. I think I must be mad, or going mad soon.
As for the crisis that I mentioned, I really wonder if I could survive out there. Besides work/studies, I can say that I don't have really much interest in other stuff. Those stuff that I'm interested in/ doing, usually not much people will appreciate them or follow my footsteps. So that's why I don't talk much, like more of no comments/don't care much/just want a simple and stable life.I really worry about my life after graduation, like where I will be next time, will I get a job with a decent pay to support myself at least, will I able to take the pressure/stress, will I survive etc. I really cannot imagine now.
Then today, I'm kind of like affected when they sing "I want it that way". It really trigger all my memories that I had during my seconday school days. It's been at least 8 years ago when I first hear that song. All the old english songs that came to my brain are mostly sang by Backstreet Boys, Westlife and Trademark. The class performance. The stupid things that I done for wxn. The rejection and disappointments. And lots more other things.
For now, I think I should just continue focus on exams. I really should give up on relationships. I don't want it anymore. All feelings will fade over time, only memories will stay with me forever. Unless I got a good reason, I think i will try to remain single. Sometimes really hate seeing couples, jus make me feel that I'm a failure, all the girls that rejected me got attached in less than 3 years after the rejection. I still alone here, lonely facing this laptop at this time of the night. Relationships are too complex for me to handle, I don't want to waste anymore time guessing or wondering or hinting or do any stupid things.
I still got alot of thoughts to write but I'm undecided if I should type them out here. Thoughts like "why am I here doing all this and going through all this" or "if one day i really become alone and got out-of-touch with this world, what should I do" or "If everyone leaves me, what will i do" or "Am i doing the right things all this while, my past 22 years". Somehow, being realistic, whatever things we want, we all need the financial resources to get them somehow. But then, for some things, no matter how hard you work for or how many times you try, you still won't get it/you can't buy it. I already know at least one thing that meet this criteria, and I already sort of given up after wasting all my time and I get nothing at all, no results.
Think I should stop now and get some rest. I always cannot stop my thoughts and I will need to lie on bed for a couple of hours before I really sleep, unless there is music to listen to aid me in sleeping. I really cannot take it, that feeling of "really want something but I had to give up now" is very bad. Hope I can work harder and stop all this nonsense and thoughts. I must find a way to rid off all my burdens, thoughts and emotions before I can really relax.
Speaking about aims, not sure if the aims i set for my upcoming exams will be met or not. All seems hard and inachievable currently. I think I must be crazy to set them in the first place. Now with only 3 more RT to go, hopefully i can get my wisdom tooth out, maybe go for IPT to settle the RT that I may have to go after my birthday ends, and also go taiwan or genting(again! but with another group). Passing IPPT seems really like more of a mental challenge since it has been almost 10 yrs and i cleared none, all thanks to SBJ...
Somehow, today after studying with my group of friends, I realise that I still prefer to have people around me talking rather than I hide in the library alone, cause I can listen to what they talk, all the interesting stories. So far for this year, today is the 2nd time that I stayed in the school library until 9pm, the time that the library offically closes. I think I must be mad, or going mad soon.
As for the crisis that I mentioned, I really wonder if I could survive out there. Besides work/studies, I can say that I don't have really much interest in other stuff. Those stuff that I'm interested in/ doing, usually not much people will appreciate them or follow my footsteps. So that's why I don't talk much, like more of no comments/don't care much/just want a simple and stable life.I really worry about my life after graduation, like where I will be next time, will I get a job with a decent pay to support myself at least, will I able to take the pressure/stress, will I survive etc. I really cannot imagine now.
Then today, I'm kind of like affected when they sing "I want it that way". It really trigger all my memories that I had during my seconday school days. It's been at least 8 years ago when I first hear that song. All the old english songs that came to my brain are mostly sang by Backstreet Boys, Westlife and Trademark. The class performance. The stupid things that I done for wxn. The rejection and disappointments. And lots more other things.
For now, I think I should just continue focus on exams. I really should give up on relationships. I don't want it anymore. All feelings will fade over time, only memories will stay with me forever. Unless I got a good reason, I think i will try to remain single. Sometimes really hate seeing couples, jus make me feel that I'm a failure, all the girls that rejected me got attached in less than 3 years after the rejection. I still alone here, lonely facing this laptop at this time of the night. Relationships are too complex for me to handle, I don't want to waste anymore time guessing or wondering or hinting or do any stupid things.
I still got alot of thoughts to write but I'm undecided if I should type them out here. Thoughts like "why am I here doing all this and going through all this" or "if one day i really become alone and got out-of-touch with this world, what should I do" or "If everyone leaves me, what will i do" or "Am i doing the right things all this while, my past 22 years". Somehow, being realistic, whatever things we want, we all need the financial resources to get them somehow. But then, for some things, no matter how hard you work for or how many times you try, you still won't get it/you can't buy it. I already know at least one thing that meet this criteria, and I already sort of given up after wasting all my time and I get nothing at all, no results.
Think I should stop now and get some rest. I always cannot stop my thoughts and I will need to lie on bed for a couple of hours before I really sleep, unless there is music to listen to aid me in sleeping. I really cannot take it, that feeling of "really want something but I had to give up now" is very bad. Hope I can work harder and stop all this nonsense and thoughts. I must find a way to rid off all my burdens, thoughts and emotions before I can really relax.
posted by chanjk at
1:29:00 am
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